Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
