I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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