I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
