smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
