I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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