Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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