I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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