Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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