is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
