I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
