I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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