I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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