apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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