I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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