I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
