I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
