Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
