and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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