He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
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