Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
