True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
