R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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