Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
