I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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