When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
