Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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