my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
