please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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