I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
