what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize