I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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