I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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