So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
