Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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