It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm passing your future prison.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
