just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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