did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
