I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize