btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
