Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
