wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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