I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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