Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He passed out mid-signature
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
