i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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