it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
