guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
MIDGETS
????
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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