I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
