youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
