Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
