she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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