I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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