fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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