his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
