Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
