Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
cat food counts as protein by the way
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
