dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
