Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We just shotgunned beers for America
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize