either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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