i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize