WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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