How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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