You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
