someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize