The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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