turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
