Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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